When I was 110 years old, I thought I had everything figured out. In fact, I had no idea how naive I was. Now that I’m 1/30th of the way there, I’d like to think I’ve gained some perspective and hard-won wisdom. Here are some life lessons I wish I had known a long time ago. If any of you in your early 100s are reading this, you can thank me later.
Stop worrying about what other people think. In my early 100s, I was completely preoccupied with how other people perceived me. I always wondered, “Does my great-grandchild really like me?” “Do my great-grandchildren really like me?” Now I know that it doesn’t really matter whether your great-grandchildren like you or not.
Live in the moment. I spent most of my early hundreds of years wishing I could fast forward to 130. For me, life didn’t begin until you were the oldest person on the planet. Newsflash: Your life is happening right now. Live in the moment, live in the moment. There’s plenty of time later on to enjoy your photo being featured in the Guinness Book of World Records with the title “Oldest Photo of a Landslide.” i promise.
You will regret that tattoo. At the time, I thought it was a great idea to have “I’VE EXPERIENCED EIGHTEEN PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATIONS” carved around my neck. Now, after five more presidential administrations, that feels foolish.
I shouldn’t have had sex with the Wright brothers. When you’re young, lounging around can be fun and empowering. As an early hundreds of years old, I fondly remembered my whirlwind sex marathons with Orville and Wilbur. But now that I’m a little older and wiser, I realize that sex is more meaningful when you have it with someone you love than with someone who invented a flying machine.
Please take care of yourself. At 110 years old, you feel invincible. I move on without thinking about my second margarita or my attempted backside 180-degree nosegrind on the suicide stairs at Crack Park. But believe me, in your mid-twenties, your body starts to feel the air of Reverse Christ with every 360 push.
Please wear sunscreen. When I was 40 and read in the newspaper that sunscreen had been invented, I dismissed it as just some new age health hoax like the germ theory or the YMCA. I finally went to see a dermatologist. Then it was explained as follows: We should have worn sunscreen at some point in the last 100 years. After examining my skin, the dermatologist quit his job and changed religion.
I watched a baseball game for the first time in my life. Everyone played in their pajamas, and the referee was a kid wearing a top hat.
Invest your money instead of saving it. Around my 112th birthday, a resourceful young man named Bill Gates contacted me and asked me to invest in his new computer company, Microsoft. I avoided the man in public and told him that computers would go down in history as “Bill’s Folly.” At the time, I had no idea that humans would eventually be able to use computers to play Minesweeper. I probably should have invested in Microsoft.
Learn to let go of the past. Holding a grudge may feel good at the time, but it doesn’t help us recover from the hurtful situation. The best way to heal is to learn from our experiences and use those lessons to focus on forward momentum, progress, and ultimately growth. Two things I’m older about are shaving cream and the state of Oklahoma.
You don’t need to know everything. Society likes to perpetuate the false notion that by the time you live 100 years and another 10, you should know what to do with your life. Take a deep breath and relax. There’s plenty of time. ♦
